There was a patent officer. Um. I was very unfortunately unarmed. Very unfortunately - and he was undercover. Yeah. And my arms were full; the business certification application was like a thousand pages long. (Let it be recorded that I'll never again trust a legal guy with a name like Mike T. Magnificent. The surname is not going to be a coincidence, and the middle name is going to be a definite article, and neither of those things will bode well for my business ventures.)
You may have gotten the upper hand this time, Mike T. Magnificent.
Um. Literally. ... sprained my wrist ...
But know this: I'm watching you. And I've had enough of your system. Which is going to fall, by the way. It's going to disintegrate around your dumb, unnecessarily large and shiny head.
Essentially, it doesn't appear that Plan A is going to work. That's fine. I have an entire alphabet worth of alternate plans that will perfectly and easily incorporate my master scheme. Here're a few examples:
Plan C:
Plan F:
Plan S:
So. Yeah. A few of them might need ... tweaking. But, Plan B. More on that in a minute. Right now, e-mails.
-------------------
To: Dr. Horrible
From: littlejamiefoster@mail.com
Subject: u r my hero
Date: Dec 1 2009
i like ur evil and want too be evil to. i am 8. i my mom and she wont let me bee evil like u sas ur bad infonce. right back plese, jamie
-------------------
Well, eight-year-old Jamie, I can understand why you would want to be evil when the world around you is inundating you with trash and pushing you under its poison, waiting for the day your spirit breaks so you can be a "good little taxpayer" and spend the rest of your life waiting to die.
...
But let me give you some good advice, because believe it or not, I started out just like you! Except with a better grasp of capitalization, punctuation, and spelling (I mean, seriously, what is an "infonce?" Some kind of ... angry lamp?) and, you know, an actual goal. My advice to you is this: Do some research on things that make you mad. Focus on them constantly. Obsess over them until the slightest reminder of the condition of the world in which you disdainfully exist causes you to clench your teeth and stress out until you finally get the chance to blow off some steam - or, alternately, the roof off City Hall (remember that day? Great, wasn't it?).
Also, forget about what your mother says (unless it has to do with personal hygiene, because you can't be taken seriously as a villain if you don't have any teeth and smell constantly like stale garlic and manmusk). Brainstorm some name ideas, and don't settle on one until you know.
And don't forget the laugh.
Next message!
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To: Dr. Horrible
From: [anonymous IP]
Subject: licenses and patenting
Date: Dec 2 2009
Dr. Horrible,
Ha ha. You ran into Mike. I'll thank him later for the entertainment cuz I'm sure he's kickin the crap out of you on YouTube by now.
By the way you'll never kill me.
- C.H.
-------------------
...
First of all, Captain Hammer, why in the hell did you use an anonymous proxy if you're going to not only refer back to my post from a couple days ago wherein I specifically stated that you were the person I was going to kill (oh and btw yes I am), but also sign your name? Seriously?
And when did you learn how to use proxies?
Never mind. Not important. The point is, if there are videos, I will report them as infringement and you and your hero friends can suck it. And since you're all "masters of the internet" now or whatever, you can upload a bunch of masturbatory self-insert slash fic about how you want everyone and everything to do you because you're sooooo great and then watch as those are reported and taken down. Just like your egos. Just like you.
... That ... had a point somewhere, I'm sure.
Anyway, no more e-mail today. And I was going to touch a little on Plan B, but I'm not in the mood anymore. That ends this entry.
Later,
Dr. Horrible
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